Fitting In

I guess it’s only fitting that my life is centered around autism. I find that my son’s greatest struggle is to fit in. Maybe that makes me autistic as well b/c I’ve never, ever felt that I fit in. It saddens me deeply. I feel as if I stand outside of life and watch and wait and wish. What do I wish for? For the sadness and the struggle and the fear and challenges to go away. I often find myself paralyzed by my circumstances, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. This is often times what my autistic son struggles with. Many of my friends and family have commented to me, at different times, that they did not know how I lived this life of mine, some of them even going so far as to say, “I can’t believe you haven’t killed yourself”. What does one do with a comment like that? Ponder it?
So does this mean I’m autistic? Does this mean the whole world is autistic? What does fitting in even mean? I wonder if I’m alone in feeling this way, in the thoughts I have or does everyone else think and feel the same way but they do a really great job hiding it?
I find desperation at every turn…and often remember when everything I touched turned to gold. It makes me wonder why I was chosen to carry this heavy load. All I ever wanted was to give my son the quality of life that I had growing up, my mother thinks I’ve done an amazing job, my son, well, I wonder.
I think this is a bit of a downer post and I don’t really mean for it to be, I just to often feel like the fish in the tank and the heat is to high, silently screaming but no one can hear me. They cannot hear and from the outside everything looks as it should be, but inside, silent screaming.


About artofautism45

I'm the single mom of a child on the autism spectrum. My entire life is about advocating for him and making his life everything it can be. In my spare time, well, I take care of his adorable spaniel named Kirby and try to work a bit, I'm a voice improvement coach and theatre director by trade.
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