Fitting In

I guess it’s only fitting that my life is centered around autism. I find that my son’s greatest struggle is to fit in. Maybe that makes me autistic as well b/c I’ve never, ever felt that I fit in. It saddens me deeply. I feel as if I stand outside of life and watch and wait and wish. What do I wish for? For the sadness and the struggle and the fear and challenges to go away. I often find myself paralyzed by my circumstances, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. This is often times what my autistic son struggles with. Many of my friends and family have commented to me, at different times, that they did not know how I lived this life of mine, some of them even going so far as to say, “I can’t believe you haven’t killed yourself”. What does one do with a comment like that? Ponder it?
So does this mean I’m autistic? Does this mean the whole world is autistic? What does fitting in even mean? I wonder if I’m alone in feeling this way, in the thoughts I have or does everyone else think and feel the same way but they do a really great job hiding it?
I find desperation at every turn…and often remember when everything I touched turned to gold. It makes me wonder why I was chosen to carry this heavy load. All I ever wanted was to give my son the quality of life that I had growing up, my mother thinks I’ve done an amazing job, my son, well, I wonder.
I think this is a bit of a downer post and I don’t really mean for it to be, I just to often feel like the fish in the tank and the heat is to high, silently screaming but no one can hear me. They cannot hear and from the outside everything looks as it should be, but inside, silent screaming.

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I’ve been feeling quite sad for four days or so now.  That is not the norm for me and usually if I am sad it lasts a day or two or until I finish the chocolate whatever I’m eating to make myself feel better.  But this time around no amount of chocolate anything could make me feel better.  I think that the thing that bothered me most about this sadness is that I couldn’t figure out why I was sad.  I don’t mind being sad, within reason but I like to know why I’m feeling sad.  -Guess that means I’m also a control freak!

I realized last night that April always makes me sad.  Why?  First of all the suffering that Christ endured the day of his crucifixion and leading up to it makes me sad.  But three years ago Easter took on a whole new meaning.  Not only did Christ die at Easter but my best friend Scott died the week before Easter and on Easter Sunday, three years ago, I started a 10 journey that would find me lying on the floor of a vet hospital, making midnight IV runs to a vet hospital and getting 10 pills a day down my precious spaniel’s throat as I tried desperately to save her from pancreatic cancer.  Unfortunately, my efforts ended not as I had hoped and this amazing dog had to be put to sleep.  No doubt the most difficult day of my life to date.

That is the wonderful thing about animals, unconditional love like no other.  Unfortunately, death does have to come with animals, its inevitable.  The same is true for Christ, unconditional love like no other, death came, but thank goodness resurrection and Hope* followed.  My Hope died in the material form three years ago but I know I’ll see that precious spaniel again someday in heaven.  Thank goodness my spiritual Hope never went away.  It is Hope, in the spiritual sense that gets me through everyday.  I’m glad I’ve  experienced both.

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I never thought of myself as someone who was really that into challenges, I like a good challenge, don’t get me wrong but I didn’t think I was a seeker of challenge.

The day my son was born, 5 weeks prematurely, not breathing and therefore hooked up to a heart monitor that screeched insistently for six months was a challenge no doubt.  But certainly something I managed.  Then when my husband walked out when my son was 5 months old and never came back, that was pretty much a challenge.  When I finally picked my jaw up off the ground six months later I got it together and made it through.  When I moved to NYC by myself with no friends or family anywhere near with a one year old I was definitely signing up for challenge.  However, so far in life, whether I knew it or not, nothing compared to the phone call I got two weeks after my sons second birthday informing me that he had autism and was functioning at the level of a five month old or lower.  Okay, so that one, pretty big challenge, I often wondered if I could even rise to that challenge, but I did and still do every day and I’m delightfully happy about my son and my life, despite these challenges.  Moved back to Texas years later and watched my 6 year old sons hair turn gray as he received no services in Texas public schools…quickly returned to NYC, challenging.  Not able to find work for months and months and months, challenging…I thought I really had a grip on challenge until three weeks ago when as a single mother of an autistic child in NYC, I fell off my shoe and broke my foot!  CHALLENGE!  I can’t even tell some crazy cool story about how I broke my foot, 45 years of life no broken bones and I fall off my shoe, I think I change the word at this point to challenged.  And I thought getting out of the house with my underwear on everyday was something…now I have to get around the walking city with a cast on my foot!  Ummm, okay.  Now I’m tooling around almost as fast as I was three weeks ago, yet, another challenge down.

Now, in this moment I face my toughest challenge to date…blogging.  This is absolutely the coolest thing I’ve ever tried to do and no doubt the most mind bending.  I look at other blogs and pages and I’m mesmerized by the buttons and pictures and boxes and likes and tags and on and on…I’m a product of the 80’s, still longing for my 8-track player, just getting used to cassette tapes and can’t even begin to wrap my mind around anything with initials MP what?  So, wish me luck as I take on my latest challenge and help me if you can along the way!!!!!

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The Art Of Autism Lives On!

Hello All

I’m going to give this blog thing one more final try.  I’ve heard about this wordpress and thought I’d give it a go.  The truth is, the reason I fail at blogging is because, well, I never remember how to log in.  I am the epitomy of the product of the 80’s.  I do miss 8 tracks and cassette tapes,  I don’t understand letter technology-MP this and G4 that?  At any rate, I think I can log into this thing and make something happen.

The original point to me blogging anyway was to share stories and experiences of my journey as a single mom raising a child on the autism spectrum because unless you’ve done it…you have no idea!

I also hope to showcase the incredible talents of my amazing boy and the talents of many, many others who are on the spectrum, incredibly gifted and talented children and adults who people just don’t get.  Well, maybe I can help you get it.

Be on the look out for lots of posts, fun giveaways and me talking non stop about my cool kid and the life I never signed up for but would not trade for ANYTHING.

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